Look Up, Look Within & Create Your Life

Sometimes, I get fixated on the minutia of my life. It can be difficult to see what is truly important. I get caught up in what she said, or what she did, or why someone did something. A relationship ends and the heartache that goes along with that. Family fighting over things they know nothing about. The desire to detach and leave the world and all its issues behind, numbing myself by watching TV and eating food that doesn't nourish my soul.

But then, like a glorious butterfly that has decided to land in your path or the hummingbird that stops just outside your window, seeming to stare at you and tell you... there is more. There is always more beauty. You just have to stop, look up from whatever has your attention and see the beauty in the world. Not just the devastation, anger, and darkness in the world but really take the time to see the beauty, light and love in the world. I have come to the realization that I create from all of these spaces. I do not just create from one extreme. I need the moments of darkness to make me appreciate the moments of lightness. I need it all. So does the world. There is not good and evil and they are polar opposites. There is good and evil and they balance each other. There is no right and wrong. There is only what is, and what is in that moment is a choice of which we will choose. Not struggle against. Just choose. And when others are not choosing what we perceive in right, we are not giving them the opportunity to find their place and their voice in the world.

I am constantly getting the opportunity, as are we all, to grow, to make choices for how I want to show up in my life. Sometimes those choices are not the best for me, and other times they are great choices for myself. I have come to realize that I need both. There is no such thing as a perfect person that makes perfect choices for themselves all the time. I am a truly warm, loving person who wants to share and express that warmth and love. I can also be cold in contrast to my warmth. This is when I am fixated on the minutia. This I know about myself now, and I also know those times are needed for my contrast and to feed by creativity as well.

This is all coming together for me, thank you for listening to my journey and coming along for the ride.

My True Power

True Power is feeling and knowing who you are.
True Power is being of service, even if you don't feel like you have all the answers.
True Power is being able to pick yourself up on your dark days as much as it is being joy-filled on your light days.
True Power is being vulnerable and working through your fears.
True Power is sharing who you are authentically with yourself and others.
True Power is standing up for yourself even and especially when it's really difficult.
True Power is listening to your voice and not caring about how others view you.
True Power is exploring your interests, likes and going on your own adventures in life.
True Power is fully owning who you are... the light and the dark.

I truly need to take better care of myself. My health, my creativity, my relationships, my environment, my finances, my passions, etc. While my approach to life has gotten me where I am which has worked in many ways, it isn't working to the extent that I want it to. It's time to switch it up and really change my approach to my life. I am going to challenge myself for the next 30 days. I can do anything for 30 days. These are the things I am going to do for the next 30 days:

My Body/Health

I have a loving and nurturing relationship with my body. I eat food that is nourishing my body. I have fun cooking and finding new healthy recipes to make. I drink at least 8 glasses of water a day and I drink my vitamins every day too. I currently exercise 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes a day. Scout and I go on a daily 15 minute walk together. I find new ways to exercise that excite me like dancing, paddle boarding, hiking, etc.

My Creativity

I write every day. I am gentle and open with myself and my writing process. I read every day. I listen to writing podcasts a couple of times a week. I have set up a beautiful writing space for myself in my home. I paint or draw at least one time a week. I take myself on artist dates to museums, movies, the beach, the mountains, and any other place that strikes my fancy twice a month. I share my writing with my writing groups and friends. I explore all aspects of my creativity and I share my passion and enthusiasm for exploring creativity with others. I free myself of the pressure to be something or to have my creativity to mean something. I have the time that I need to experiment and grow in my creativity. I am a writer. I give myself permission to know that I am a writer. I have started my podcast by the end of 2016. I have given my first creativity workshop by the end of 2016 as well.

My Environment

My home is cozy, clean and organized. It is a place I love being and I love creating in my home. My car is clean and fun to be in. I take my car on adventures and I love to travel in my car. Traveling is something I do often. I love adventures and go on an adventure at least once a month. Whether it is a big trip out of the country or to another state or a small road trip for the day, I am going on an adventure at least once a month. My desk at work is clean, clear and organized.

My Spirituality

I mediate daily. I keep a daily gratitude journal. I speak with God each day and listen with my heart open. I read books that help me expand my consciousness and grow. I spend time in nature. I let go and open my heart to God every day. I do not expect that I know better than Gods plan for me.


My Relationships

I have authentic, real and honest relationships with my family, friends, and intimate relationships. I am in service to the highest good of those I love and share my thoughts and feelings openly and lovingly. My spend time with my friends after work and on the weekends doing fun things that we like to do together. I am my own very best friend always.

Today is the Day.. Time to Move

I am deciding that today is the day to start my regular exercise regime. I am putting it on my blog to hold myself to it. I am starting with a commitment of 3 days a week for the first month. I am exercising a minimum of 30 minutes each time. My weeks will go Saturday to Friday since today is Saturday and I am starting today. I have been having some stomach issues this last week so I don't feel like starting this, but it's time. I have to get serious. I am ready to continue to lose more weight. I have lost 85 pounds in the last year, now it's time to lose more. I have a goal of another 75 pounds this year. I can do it. Cleaning up my eating again and regular exercising, I know I can get back on track again.

This is my commitment to myself. I need to do this for myself. I know I can. It's time.

There have been a series of things happening in my life that have reminded me that I need to focus on what is important to me. I have gotten a bit stuck. I have let my focus be on other people or my job again and has become a distraction from what I really need to be focused on... Time to pull back and focus on the things that are really important to me and will help me and my depression. It's time. I will write a weekly blog post for myself to keep myself accountable.

A Billion Stars

Bring on the rolling hills and mountains to hike, green trees, fresh wind blowing through my hair, and beautiful open skies where I can see a billion stars. Bring on the land to work with my hands, good friends to share my life with, and laughter that hurts your belly. Bring on the pain that makes you grow, people that make you think and question, and the moments when the peace is overwhelming it makes you cry.

The Land of "I Know"

The Land of I know is a safe place. A land of certainty and practicality. A teacher once said to me, "Your need to know will be your downfall." At the time I really wasn't sure what he meant. I could feel that it was big for me and would be a huge lesson in my life, but I truly didn't get what it really meant. I now realize it was that need for certainty. The need to control things in my life, sometimes at a grave cost. The cost is fun, the cost is adventure, the cost is the beauty of what can come out of taking a leap of faith or risking and jumping into the unknown. The vast land of the unknown now seems so much more appealing and fulfilling then the once comfortable Land of I Know.

Sometimes I get scared and resort back to the safety of The Land of I know. I have to jolt myself out of it. Usually through my creativity. Writing, dancing, a conversation with a good friend or family member, or through meditation. All I need is glimpse of what I am doing to myself by playing it safe. With that small glimpse, I can pull myself out of the comfort, safety and certainty I so desperately yearned for at one time in my life and I can appreciate the role it played but I now have a deeper understanding that I no longer need to have that role played out the same way.

Recently, someone I hold dear to me said he wanted to move to a 3rd world country and work with children in an orphanage. When he said this, everything inside of me screamed, "I want to go. I know there is more to this life than how I am currently living it. I have so many gifts that I could share with those children. I have so much love to share with those children. I want my life to change by being with those children. To me, life isn't about making money, buying a house, getting married, having children, the white picket fence dream isn't mine. It never was. I doubt it ever will be. I want to appreciate fully what it means to be alive. What it means to give of myself without the certainty of getting anything in return. Just to love, to be of service."

So I begin to plan my life in a very different way, from a very different place. From the Land of the Unknown. I am grateful beyond measure for this life, for my life and I want to share my love and gifts with those that need love.

Grace & Flow

Flow
Out of me
Come down from Spirit
through me
and out my pen
I feel you all around me
Inside me
We are one
Your words are my words
My passion is your tool
Use me to serve
Show me your way
Tell the world
Express what I need to learn
Open me to the unknown
I dive into uncertainty
Holding onto faith
You will catch me
You will show me the way
I will co-create with you
For you always, for you
I am grateful
Filled with grace and love
Always for you
Always to you

With Friends like these...

We all have our issues. Even our friends are not perfect friends to us, just as we are far from being perfect friends in return. However, there are those moments when you think to yourself... what would I do without them.

There have been two things this week that have touched me deeply. The first thing happened when my friend Kelly snagged a small oyster fork for me from a local restaurant because I thought it was cute and commented that I really wanted to take one home. The next thing I know she is handing it to me in the parking lot. Yes, taking things is wrong, but in the name of friendship it was a very sweet gesture and made me feel very loved.

The second thing that happened is that my friend Katie when I was a bit down yesterday turned on one of my favorite songs. Nelly Furtado's Say It Right and immediately followed it up with INXS New Sensation. It instantly made me feel loved and that she really knew me and what would make me smile. And I did! From ear to ear.

This week I have been blessed with the reminder that I need to step up and show up for myself even more as my own best friend.

The Fog... Is Lifting

The Fog from my addiction is lifting. It has been lifting for some time now. With that I am learning about myself in new ways that I had numbed through my food addiction. I am also getting to sit with a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

Feeling alone, rejected, judged and abandoned. The truth is, these things have not been done to me by anyone else. I may have been in relationships where I felt these things. In fact, I know I attracted these things in my relationships. It was me... always me, that did these things to myself. Had I not been feeling alone in the first place, I would have acted from a place of knowing I am never alone. I have a relationship with God that is strong and abundant. I had forgotten that.

Had I not rejected myself or aspects of myself, the space would not have been there to feel rejected by others. When I fully embrace myself I see that what I perceive as rejection from the person is really a gift in disguise. If someone doesn't see my value or worth, that's on them, not me. It is me that chooses to stay despite being rejected. It's me that chooses to devalue myself by staying in a relationship with someone who isn't right for me.

Judging is a big one... judging in and of itself is something every human being does. It's the kind of judgement that we use to tear ourselves down or when we stay to let others tear us down, that's the judgement that hurts us. I have found that the worst voice of judgement is my own. I have taken on others voices and made them my own.

Abandoned, in the past I had chosen to take every failed relationship as a form of abandonment. Especially since David's death. I have taken every failed relationship hard and held on too long to every single one of them for fear of being abandoned. The truth is, when David died, I abandoned myself and I felt abandoned by God. I abandoned God because I felt like I knew what was best for David's soul and for my own soul and was upset that God would take him from me. It was selfish.

Staying conscious. If I am living life fully then I am co-creating my life with God. I am living my purpose. I am being of service. I am not living in my head. I am living in my heart and I am expressing myself freely. I am love.

As I am writing this I have just learned that a co-worker and friend just lost his wife this morning. She has been fighting leukemia for several years now. It does help put things even more in perspective for me. My heart goes out to him as I know what it feels like to lose your partner. There is a part of me that wants to sink into the place that remembers losing David and what that felt like. It happened to me a few weeks ago when I found out that someone I dated in my early 20's passed away around the 4th of July. I immediately went to that place of loss. Death is a part of life. I will not hide or run from that any longer. I will embrace the time that I had with those I love. I want to live fully and live as if each day, each moment and every breath could be my last or could be the last for the ones I love. If I learn to live from there just how different my life would be and how I would appreciate every moment. That is the intention I am setting for myself.

“Your relationship with God is the same as your relationship with the sun. If you hid from the sun for years and then chose to come out of your darkness, the sun would still be shining as if you had never left. You don’t need to apologize. You just pick your head up and look at the sun. It’s the same way when you decide to turn toward God—you just do it.”
― Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

40... yes, 40... YES, 40!

I know that age is just a number. The number of years that you have been alive on this planet. The number of birthdays celebrated once every 12 months. It's been interesting turning 40. A number of ideas, thoughts and feelings have been coming up over the last 6 weeks since my 40th birthday. I wasn't sure how I would handle turning 40. Would it just be another year, another number? Would I feel like my life wasn't where I wanted it to be or I hadn't fulfilled the things and checked off certain life goal boxes by the time I was 40 and feel bad about that? Or would I be more than ok, actually feel more grounded in being 40. Less filled with angst or drama about needing to accomplish certain things, knowing that life doesn't always happen the way we think it should or plan for ourselves. The answer is a resounding yes to all three. My thoughts and feelings have been a mixture of neutrality, taking stock in where I am in my life and being incredibly comfortable in my own skin and really owning and feeling that to my core.

I am realizing that I actually like myself. I enjoy my own company. I show myself a great more deal of care and love than I have previously in my life. I take less "crap" from people and set better boundaries for myself than I ever have before. I can't say that it is because I am 40. But what I can say is that turning 40 has had me take better stock in where my life is and who I am. I have realized that I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself in my 20's and 30's and I know it is by no means over, but I can take a breather for a moment and appreciate myself and all the work I have done.

So now, 6 weeks in to being 40, I am taking a moment to appreciate myself. Appreciate everything about myself. The good, the bad and the ugly so to speak. I am truly grateful for it all. Truly. To my core, grateful. My soul sings in God's love. Even that last sentence is something I never would have said before. I have always thought of my relationship with God as deeply personal and not something to ever share. I feel God in every cell of my body, I see God in everything and everyone and I have faith that I am here for a purpose beyond my own finite understanding, as we all are. I continue to open myself to God's gifts that he shares through me.

40, growing and loving...

Artist of the Spirit

As an artist of the spirit, the Toltec of today knows there are no rules she must follow, no belief system she is required to embrace, and no leaders to obey. She seeks complete freedom from fear, and absolute surrender to love and acceptance. The modern Toltec discovers a happiness that is the result of love and acceptance flowing out of her, and she knows there is an endless supply of love - it is her nature to love. She embraces life, and dances in joy and gratitude for every moment of her existence. This is the Toltec path and this is the modern spiritual warrior - an artist of the spirit.

~ Allan Hardman The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book


An artist of the Spirit. An Artist of the Spirit. I love that. Wow. I embrace that I am an Artist of the Spirit. I am going to change that quote to be personally for me and embrace it more fully.

As an artist of the spirit, I know there are no rules I must follow, no belief system I am required to embrace, and no leaders to obey. I seek complete freedom from fear, and absolute surrender to love and acceptance. I discover a happiness that is the result of love and acceptance flowing out of me, and I know there is an endless supple of love - it is my nature to love. I embrace life, and dance in joy and gratitude for every moment of my existence. this is my path and I am a modern spiritual warrior - I am an artist of the spirit.

That felt powerful. To own that for myself. To live from that place. To know that I an Artist of the Spirit. And so are you.

Creativity Takes Courage

Earlier this morning I sat with my pen and paper in hand doodling as my imagination took flight. I wasn't there. I wasn't present with the paper or the pen. I was off, submerged in my imagination. At some point along the way I heard a voice say, "What are you doing? Seriously, what are you doing? You aren't a teenager, who gets to have their head in the clouds... you aren't a professional writer who gets to write all day instead of work a job... and besides... you won't be any good at writing when you come down from your cloud of daydreaming that you can let your imagination be such a large part of your life. Your imagination is not for the every day. It's just not realistic to live that way. Only very special people get to live in a place where their imagination supports them on a daily basis... and trust me Melissa, you are not that special..." I could go on and on, because believe me, that voice went on and on beyond what I just shared. I am sure you get the picture. Filled with thoughts and fears about not being "good enough", "worthy" or "failing" and with "failing" I then would prove to myself that ultimately I wasn't "good enough" or "worthy".

I know I am not alone in these thoughts. There are a million self-help books, videos and seminars designed to help you work through these issues with yourself. Trust me, I have read many of them. I have been to many different seminars and workshops and classes to learn how to love, value and appreciate myself. They have helped tremendously to learn about myself, the way I handle the world and myself is a continual process for me. One that I will never give up. It has taken me a lot to get to the place that I know I will never give up on myself again. I may stumble, I may have to continue to listen to and work through that voice in my head that says those things to me. When I stop to think about it, I realize, I have come so far... I know this because today my reaction to that voice was, "That is a silly voice who is just voicing my fears".

What do I do with fear when I recognize it now? I decide to acknowledge it and do the thing or things I need to do to move through that fear. After I heard the voice, I did the thing it wanted me not to do. I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and then wrote some more. I would succeed at writing that morning. I would not let myself deter myself. I would not let my fear take over. I would write. I would express my creativity. I would dive to the depths of my soul and explore the vast universe. I imagine that I am made of space and stars waiting to be explored. The beauty of that vision is that I have made myself a universe waiting to be explored, just as the stars are waiting in the sky, so am I.

Today, I embrace that Creativity Takes Courage. Courage that I have in spades. Each time I step more fully into the vast universe that I am and put on my suit of courage, I tell myself, I love you, I love you, I love you! And the voice responds, "I love you more."

A love Letter To Myself & To The Universe

A love letter to myself and the universe

When confronted with pain and hurt...I Choose courage.

When confronted with disappointment and heartbreak...I Choose courage.

When someone gives you real, true love, the kind that only comes along ever so often in life...I Choose courage.

When someone can't see who you are and doesn't understand the true beauty of your heart and the gift you have given them... I Choose courage.

I choose courage. For I have learned to see my gifts, to embrace them, love who I am, stand for something greater than my immediate needs and desires, and simply love being "nice" because that is who I am. I am a kind, loving, generous soul who experiences anger, jealousy, and other emotions. I recognize those aren't bad emotions. They are emotions that tell me I am not at peace or in alignment with myself. They will now serve a different purpose for me. They will fuel my courage to make the changes I need to make in my life. They will allow me to be vulnerable with those I love and even if they don't respond the way I wish they would, I will know and feel my own power to be truthful, to take care of myself in a way that is honoring of who I am, and to be grateful for my courage to do so.

Walking through fear is what truly allows me to grow. I know this, I have tangible real experience of this. It is no easy feat in life to face those fears head on and embrace the light and the dark. To see yourself in a vulnerable and real way. Break yourself down, not out of self-hate or self-loathing, but out of self-love and ultimately true compassion for yourself and the entire planet and universe.

I love the stars, only a couple people know how deeply I love them. But even those couple may not know exactly why I love them so much. They serve as a constant reminder for me that this universe is vast, unexplored and the possibilities of that are endless. I am like the universe and so are you. We are all vast, unexplored and have possibilities within us that calls to us and demands to be explored. The stars remind me how powerful I am if I let myself dream, create and be free. They are magic. I am a piece of that magic. So are you. So are we all.

I chose to be a star in my life and I will now share that with the universe. To be magical, radiant, shining, free, exploding, changing, brilliant, bold, brave, kind, loving, generous, courageous, gentle and above all true to myself in all the forms I embody and embrace myself with unconditional love.

Get ready universe, here I come. ⭐️