Life, Not Always What You Expect

You know how you think things are going one way, and then something happens to turn your world upside down and then everything you thought and was planning for is gone? Has that ever happened to you? Well, it happened to me about 6 weeks ago. I won't bore you with the details, or rather bore myself with them... I am mostly writing this because I am fascinated not with the actual details of what happened but by the process I went through over the last 6 weeks.

I went from total devastation, to glorious love for myself. In 6 weeks! I did things differently this time and it changed everything for me. 6 weeks ago I thought my life was going along one way. Planning things for the future, etc. Then the rug was ripped out from under me, at least that's how it felt. Initially, I looked at the situation in a negative way (I spent about 2 weeks there), but despite that negative place I still decided I was going to do things differently. Instead of sitting in bed with comfort food, watching romantic movies and crying to myself, this time, I decided I was going to do whatever it takes to love myself through my pain and pay attention to myself, pushing myself to make healthy choices for myself.

So, I made an appointment with a therapist, went to the gym and got a trainer who also turned out to be a life coach and is now my life coach, cried to a couple of key friends, stopped watching tv all together for the time I was in that head space, changed my diet completely (stopped eating sugar and carbs), decided to use my creativity as an outlet for my feelings (I drew and wrote), and kept telling myself over and over that enough was enough and I would not give up on myself.

After about 2 weeks, I started to feel things coming alive in me. I was coming alive, I was starting to feel free and get my voice back (the strong, intelligent voice that stands up for me, not puts me down). I stopped crying to my friends, I even stopped crying to my life coach and therapist. I started speaking from less of a victim place inside myself and started to own myself more and more. My body started to change, I felt lighter, brighter, and more beautiful. I started talking to the parts of my body I hadn't liked, and told them I loved them but that I was ready to release them. I was being loving to myself, truly loving and I meant it!

So, here I sit 6 weeks later feeling transformed by all the steps I have taken to take care of myself. To love myself. I have a very different view on life. I love myself in a completely different way, and I am only excited about how that will continue to grow. I have amazing physical results too. I have released 22 pounds. I have lost 1/4 inch on my neck, 5 inches off my chest, 1 1/2 inches off my bicep, 1/2 inch off my forearm, 6 1/2 inches off my waist, 5 1/2 inches off my hips, 1 1/2 inches off my upper thigh, and 1/2 inch off my calf.

Thought I would share my successes since I am proud of myself for making the shifts. I now think that the hardest times in our lives can be the biggest gifts, but it is a choice to make the changes we need to make or continue to see ourselves as victims. The outcome and the choice is always ours.

With love,
Melissa

My Forecast

Dealing with wanting to be thin and healthy overnight but knowing that isn't a possibility is messing with my emotions. I have been eating and exercising for 3 weeks consistently and doing really well with all of that. 95% of the last 3 weeks I have consumed under 1200 calories. I have been going to my trainer and coach for the last 3 weeks as well (3 days a week and 2 additional days on my own). I have also gone to my new Therapist who specializes in eating disorders for the last 3 weeks.

I feel great about all the things I am doing for myself. I feel better about myself and I know it will only get better. It's just that sometimes, like today, it's been a little bit more difficult. I didn't do well eating today. I only ate 650 calories. I skipped breakfast and forced myself to eat lunch and dinner. The funny thing about that is that my normal behavior is to overeat, not under eat. My mindset has really changed in these last 3 weeks. I am grateful for that beyond belief.

One of the things that has really helped has been exploring my creativity. I have been drawing and writing poetry and songs. I have been looking into starting dance classes, stained glass classes, voice lessons, production classes, etc. I am excited about diving even deeper into my creativity and finding new and fun outlets.

I started writing this blog yesterday and didn't finish it. The above paragraphs were from yesterday. I think the saying, "what a difference a day makes" is true, and I always need to remember that. Today, I feel great. Today, I know I can do anything. I wasn't depressed yesterday, trust me, I know depression. It wasn't that. It was dealing with the instant gratification fixation. Wanting results immediately. A tantrum like a 2 year old. I want what I want and I want it now.

So, here I am, I am going to be true to myself and my journey because every day is important and every day is part of my journey. The light days, the dark days and every shade in between.

A Wild Goddess? Me? Wild? A Goddess? Me? Wait… Me?

Am I wild? I live a very tame life compared to others. I get up between 4:30 am – 5:30am each morning, shower, dress, head to work for a 10-12-hour day, head home to make dinner, walk my sweet dog Scout, go to the gym, come home, bathe, and go to sleep. Nothing about that sounds wild to me.
The dictionary describes “Wild” as uncontrolled or unrestrained, especially in the pursuit of pleasure. I definitely don’t feel that I am wild based on that definition.
A Goddess… Even harder to identify myself as a Goddess. The dictionary gives the definition of A Goddess as a female deity; A woman who is adored, especially for her beauty. Well… hmmm… I have never thought of myself or ever really been told I was any great beauty. So according to those two definitions I wouldn’t really think of myself as A Wild Goddess.
But then comes the question…
What if I did? What if I suspended my reality of myself and embraced myself as a Wild Goddess? What would that look like? How would I act? What would I be doing differently in my life?
With one step into the unknown I made myself a list, envisioning what I would do as a Wild Goddess.
If I was a Wild Goddess I would:
1. I would do crazy unexpected things.

2. I would do things that made me feel free.

3. I would do my hair and makeup and do my best to feel and own my beauty.

4. I would dance and move my body in a sexual way.

5. I would do whatever I want to when I want to.

Then I decided to live one day completely embracing myself as a Wild Goddess. I can do anything for a day! This is what came from that day. I thought it would be a step by step list of what I did, instead it was a different kind of list entirely. Nothing like the original list I created.
1. I embraced life and all it offers me fully. With a deep knowing inside myself that life happens for me, not to me. I stopped all victim self-talk.

2. My attitude about my life and life in general changed drastically. I adopted an attitude of, “I got this”, “I’ll figure it out”, and “I can do anything”.

3. Everything I do, say, think and feel is to nourish myself. If I falter and make a decision that isn’t in my best interest, I am kind to myself and I pick myself up, forgive myself and start again.

4. I looked at the light and the dark sides of myself and realized I need to embrace both to truly grow, so being the Wild Goddess that I am, I dove in.

5. I realized that in order to be more present with others, I must first be present with myself.

6. I was me, in all my beauty, in all my messiness, in everything, I was me.

Being a Wild Goddess isn’t something I need to do or an image I need to portray. It’s a place inside myself where I feel connected and whole. Where I freely give myself to my inner knowing and give myself permission to express that outwardly. I embrace all of me. The light and the dark and all the places yet to be explored. I have stopped comparing my life to others and from the place of owning my Wild Goddess, I instead ask myself the constant questions, “how would I act, feel, think, talk, share, find adventure, live wholly and completely as a Wild Goddess. So yes, I embrace that I am a Wild Goddess. I am a woman who is uncontrolled and unrestrained in my pursuit of pleasure & I am a woman who is adored, especially for my beauty (in all forms) by the most important person, myself.