My Forecast

Dealing with wanting to be thin and healthy overnight but knowing that isn't a possibility is messing with my emotions. I have been eating and exercising for 3 weeks consistently and doing really well with all of that. 95% of the last 3 weeks I have consumed under 1200 calories. I have been going to my trainer and coach for the last 3 weeks as well (3 days a week and 2 additional days on my own). I have also gone to my new Therapist who specializes in eating disorders for the last 3 weeks.

I feel great about all the things I am doing for myself. I feel better about myself and I know it will only get better. It's just that sometimes, like today, it's been a little bit more difficult. I didn't do well eating today. I only ate 650 calories. I skipped breakfast and forced myself to eat lunch and dinner. The funny thing about that is that my normal behavior is to overeat, not under eat. My mindset has really changed in these last 3 weeks. I am grateful for that beyond belief.

One of the things that has really helped has been exploring my creativity. I have been drawing and writing poetry and songs. I have been looking into starting dance classes, stained glass classes, voice lessons, production classes, etc. I am excited about diving even deeper into my creativity and finding new and fun outlets.

I started writing this blog yesterday and didn't finish it. The above paragraphs were from yesterday. I think the saying, "what a difference a day makes" is true, and I always need to remember that. Today, I feel great. Today, I know I can do anything. I wasn't depressed yesterday, trust me, I know depression. It wasn't that. It was dealing with the instant gratification fixation. Wanting results immediately. A tantrum like a 2 year old. I want what I want and I want it now.

So, here I am, I am going to be true to myself and my journey because every day is important and every day is part of my journey. The light days, the dark days and every shade in between.

A Wild Goddess? Me? Wild? A Goddess? Me? Wait… Me?

Am I wild? I live a very tame life compared to others. I get up between 4:30 am – 5:30am each morning, shower, dress, head to work for a 10-12-hour day, head home to make dinner, walk my sweet dog Scout, go to the gym, come home, bathe, and go to sleep. Nothing about that sounds wild to me.
The dictionary describes “Wild” as uncontrolled or unrestrained, especially in the pursuit of pleasure. I definitely don’t feel that I am wild based on that definition.
A Goddess… Even harder to identify myself as a Goddess. The dictionary gives the definition of A Goddess as a female deity; A woman who is adored, especially for her beauty. Well… hmmm… I have never thought of myself or ever really been told I was any great beauty. So according to those two definitions I wouldn’t really think of myself as A Wild Goddess.
But then comes the question…
What if I did? What if I suspended my reality of myself and embraced myself as a Wild Goddess? What would that look like? How would I act? What would I be doing differently in my life?
With one step into the unknown I made myself a list, envisioning what I would do as a Wild Goddess.
If I was a Wild Goddess I would:
1. I would do crazy unexpected things.

2. I would do things that made me feel free.

3. I would do my hair and makeup and do my best to feel and own my beauty.

4. I would dance and move my body in a sexual way.

5. I would do whatever I want to when I want to.

Then I decided to live one day completely embracing myself as a Wild Goddess. I can do anything for a day! This is what came from that day. I thought it would be a step by step list of what I did, instead it was a different kind of list entirely. Nothing like the original list I created.
1. I embraced life and all it offers me fully. With a deep knowing inside myself that life happens for me, not to me. I stopped all victim self-talk.

2. My attitude about my life and life in general changed drastically. I adopted an attitude of, “I got this”, “I’ll figure it out”, and “I can do anything”.

3. Everything I do, say, think and feel is to nourish myself. If I falter and make a decision that isn’t in my best interest, I am kind to myself and I pick myself up, forgive myself and start again.

4. I looked at the light and the dark sides of myself and realized I need to embrace both to truly grow, so being the Wild Goddess that I am, I dove in.

5. I realized that in order to be more present with others, I must first be present with myself.

6. I was me, in all my beauty, in all my messiness, in everything, I was me.

Being a Wild Goddess isn’t something I need to do or an image I need to portray. It’s a place inside myself where I feel connected and whole. Where I freely give myself to my inner knowing and give myself permission to express that outwardly. I embrace all of me. The light and the dark and all the places yet to be explored. I have stopped comparing my life to others and from the place of owning my Wild Goddess, I instead ask myself the constant questions, “how would I act, feel, think, talk, share, find adventure, live wholly and completely as a Wild Goddess. So yes, I embrace that I am a Wild Goddess. I am a woman who is uncontrolled and unrestrained in my pursuit of pleasure & I am a woman who is adored, especially for my beauty (in all forms) by the most important person, myself.