The Fog from my addiction is lifting. It has been lifting for some time now. With that I am learning about myself in new ways that I had numbed through my food addiction. I am also getting to sit with a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
Feeling alone, rejected, judged and abandoned. The truth is, these things have not been done to me by anyone else. I may have been in relationships where I felt these things. In fact, I know I attracted these things in my relationships. It was me... always me, that did these things to myself. Had I not been feeling alone in the first place, I would have acted from a place of knowing I am never alone. I have a relationship with God that is strong and abundant. I had forgotten that.
Had I not rejected myself or aspects of myself, the space would not have been there to feel rejected by others. When I fully embrace myself I see that what I perceive as rejection from the person is really a gift in disguise. If someone doesn't see my value or worth, that's on them, not me. It is me that chooses to stay despite being rejected. It's me that chooses to devalue myself by staying in a relationship with someone who isn't right for me.
Judging is a big one... judging in and of itself is something every human being does. It's the kind of judgement that we use to tear ourselves down or when we stay to let others tear us down, that's the judgement that hurts us. I have found that the worst voice of judgement is my own. I have taken on others voices and made them my own.
Abandoned, in the past I had chosen to take every failed relationship as a form of abandonment. Especially since David's death. I have taken every failed relationship hard and held on too long to every single one of them for fear of being abandoned. The truth is, when David died, I abandoned myself and I felt abandoned by God. I abandoned God because I felt like I knew what was best for David's soul and for my own soul and was upset that God would take him from me. It was selfish.
Staying conscious. If I am living life fully then I am co-creating my life with God. I am living my purpose. I am being of service. I am not living in my head. I am living in my heart and I am expressing myself freely. I am love.
As I am writing this I have just learned that a co-worker and friend just lost his wife this morning. She has been fighting leukemia for several years now. It does help put things even more in perspective for me. My heart goes out to him as I know what it feels like to lose your partner. There is a part of me that wants to sink into the place that remembers losing David and what that felt like. It happened to me a few weeks ago when I found out that someone I dated in my early 20's passed away around the 4th of July. I immediately went to that place of loss. Death is a part of life. I will not hide or run from that any longer. I will embrace the time that I had with those I love. I want to live fully and live as if each day, each moment and every breath could be my last or could be the last for the ones I love. If I learn to live from there just how different my life would be and how I would appreciate every moment. That is the intention I am setting for myself.
“Your relationship with God is the same as your relationship with the sun. If you hid from the sun for years and then chose to come out of your darkness, the sun would still be shining as if you had never left. You don’t need to apologize. You just pick your head up and look at the sun. It’s the same way when you decide to turn toward God—you just do it.”
― Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself
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