A Billion Stars

Bring on the rolling hills and mountains to hike, green trees, fresh wind blowing through my hair, and beautiful open skies where I can see a billion stars. Bring on the land to work with my hands, good friends to share my life with, and laughter that hurts your belly. Bring on the pain that makes you grow, people that make you think and question, and the moments when the peace is overwhelming it makes you cry.

The Land of "I Know"

The Land of I know is a safe place. A land of certainty and practicality. A teacher once said to me, "Your need to know will be your downfall." At the time I really wasn't sure what he meant. I could feel that it was big for me and would be a huge lesson in my life, but I truly didn't get what it really meant. I now realize it was that need for certainty. The need to control things in my life, sometimes at a grave cost. The cost is fun, the cost is adventure, the cost is the beauty of what can come out of taking a leap of faith or risking and jumping into the unknown. The vast land of the unknown now seems so much more appealing and fulfilling then the once comfortable Land of I Know.

Sometimes I get scared and resort back to the safety of The Land of I know. I have to jolt myself out of it. Usually through my creativity. Writing, dancing, a conversation with a good friend or family member, or through meditation. All I need is glimpse of what I am doing to myself by playing it safe. With that small glimpse, I can pull myself out of the comfort, safety and certainty I so desperately yearned for at one time in my life and I can appreciate the role it played but I now have a deeper understanding that I no longer need to have that role played out the same way.

Recently, someone I hold dear to me said he wanted to move to a 3rd world country and work with children in an orphanage. When he said this, everything inside of me screamed, "I want to go. I know there is more to this life than how I am currently living it. I have so many gifts that I could share with those children. I have so much love to share with those children. I want my life to change by being with those children. To me, life isn't about making money, buying a house, getting married, having children, the white picket fence dream isn't mine. It never was. I doubt it ever will be. I want to appreciate fully what it means to be alive. What it means to give of myself without the certainty of getting anything in return. Just to love, to be of service."

So I begin to plan my life in a very different way, from a very different place. From the Land of the Unknown. I am grateful beyond measure for this life, for my life and I want to share my love and gifts with those that need love.

Grace & Flow

Flow
Out of me
Come down from Spirit
through me
and out my pen
I feel you all around me
Inside me
We are one
Your words are my words
My passion is your tool
Use me to serve
Show me your way
Tell the world
Express what I need to learn
Open me to the unknown
I dive into uncertainty
Holding onto faith
You will catch me
You will show me the way
I will co-create with you
For you always, for you
I am grateful
Filled with grace and love
Always for you
Always to you

With Friends like these...

We all have our issues. Even our friends are not perfect friends to us, just as we are far from being perfect friends in return. However, there are those moments when you think to yourself... what would I do without them.

There have been two things this week that have touched me deeply. The first thing happened when my friend Kelly snagged a small oyster fork for me from a local restaurant because I thought it was cute and commented that I really wanted to take one home. The next thing I know she is handing it to me in the parking lot. Yes, taking things is wrong, but in the name of friendship it was a very sweet gesture and made me feel very loved.

The second thing that happened is that my friend Katie when I was a bit down yesterday turned on one of my favorite songs. Nelly Furtado's Say It Right and immediately followed it up with INXS New Sensation. It instantly made me feel loved and that she really knew me and what would make me smile. And I did! From ear to ear.

This week I have been blessed with the reminder that I need to step up and show up for myself even more as my own best friend.

The Fog... Is Lifting

The Fog from my addiction is lifting. It has been lifting for some time now. With that I am learning about myself in new ways that I had numbed through my food addiction. I am also getting to sit with a lot of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

Feeling alone, rejected, judged and abandoned. The truth is, these things have not been done to me by anyone else. I may have been in relationships where I felt these things. In fact, I know I attracted these things in my relationships. It was me... always me, that did these things to myself. Had I not been feeling alone in the first place, I would have acted from a place of knowing I am never alone. I have a relationship with God that is strong and abundant. I had forgotten that.

Had I not rejected myself or aspects of myself, the space would not have been there to feel rejected by others. When I fully embrace myself I see that what I perceive as rejection from the person is really a gift in disguise. If someone doesn't see my value or worth, that's on them, not me. It is me that chooses to stay despite being rejected. It's me that chooses to devalue myself by staying in a relationship with someone who isn't right for me.

Judging is a big one... judging in and of itself is something every human being does. It's the kind of judgement that we use to tear ourselves down or when we stay to let others tear us down, that's the judgement that hurts us. I have found that the worst voice of judgement is my own. I have taken on others voices and made them my own.

Abandoned, in the past I had chosen to take every failed relationship as a form of abandonment. Especially since David's death. I have taken every failed relationship hard and held on too long to every single one of them for fear of being abandoned. The truth is, when David died, I abandoned myself and I felt abandoned by God. I abandoned God because I felt like I knew what was best for David's soul and for my own soul and was upset that God would take him from me. It was selfish.

Staying conscious. If I am living life fully then I am co-creating my life with God. I am living my purpose. I am being of service. I am not living in my head. I am living in my heart and I am expressing myself freely. I am love.

As I am writing this I have just learned that a co-worker and friend just lost his wife this morning. She has been fighting leukemia for several years now. It does help put things even more in perspective for me. My heart goes out to him as I know what it feels like to lose your partner. There is a part of me that wants to sink into the place that remembers losing David and what that felt like. It happened to me a few weeks ago when I found out that someone I dated in my early 20's passed away around the 4th of July. I immediately went to that place of loss. Death is a part of life. I will not hide or run from that any longer. I will embrace the time that I had with those I love. I want to live fully and live as if each day, each moment and every breath could be my last or could be the last for the ones I love. If I learn to live from there just how different my life would be and how I would appreciate every moment. That is the intention I am setting for myself.

“Your relationship with God is the same as your relationship with the sun. If you hid from the sun for years and then chose to come out of your darkness, the sun would still be shining as if you had never left. You don’t need to apologize. You just pick your head up and look at the sun. It’s the same way when you decide to turn toward God—you just do it.”
― Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

40... yes, 40... YES, 40!

I know that age is just a number. The number of years that you have been alive on this planet. The number of birthdays celebrated once every 12 months. It's been interesting turning 40. A number of ideas, thoughts and feelings have been coming up over the last 6 weeks since my 40th birthday. I wasn't sure how I would handle turning 40. Would it just be another year, another number? Would I feel like my life wasn't where I wanted it to be or I hadn't fulfilled the things and checked off certain life goal boxes by the time I was 40 and feel bad about that? Or would I be more than ok, actually feel more grounded in being 40. Less filled with angst or drama about needing to accomplish certain things, knowing that life doesn't always happen the way we think it should or plan for ourselves. The answer is a resounding yes to all three. My thoughts and feelings have been a mixture of neutrality, taking stock in where I am in my life and being incredibly comfortable in my own skin and really owning and feeling that to my core.

I am realizing that I actually like myself. I enjoy my own company. I show myself a great more deal of care and love than I have previously in my life. I take less "crap" from people and set better boundaries for myself than I ever have before. I can't say that it is because I am 40. But what I can say is that turning 40 has had me take better stock in where my life is and who I am. I have realized that I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself in my 20's and 30's and I know it is by no means over, but I can take a breather for a moment and appreciate myself and all the work I have done.

So now, 6 weeks in to being 40, I am taking a moment to appreciate myself. Appreciate everything about myself. The good, the bad and the ugly so to speak. I am truly grateful for it all. Truly. To my core, grateful. My soul sings in God's love. Even that last sentence is something I never would have said before. I have always thought of my relationship with God as deeply personal and not something to ever share. I feel God in every cell of my body, I see God in everything and everyone and I have faith that I am here for a purpose beyond my own finite understanding, as we all are. I continue to open myself to God's gifts that he shares through me.

40, growing and loving...