Life, Not Always What You Expect

You know how you think things are going one way, and then something happens to turn your world upside down and then everything you thought and was planning for is gone? Has that ever happened to you? Well, it happened to me about 6 weeks ago. I won't bore you with the details, or rather bore myself with them... I am mostly writing this because I am fascinated not with the actual details of what happened but by the process I went through over the last 6 weeks.

I went from total devastation, to glorious love for myself. In 6 weeks! I did things differently this time and it changed everything for me. 6 weeks ago I thought my life was going along one way. Planning things for the future, etc. Then the rug was ripped out from under me, at least that's how it felt. Initially, I looked at the situation in a negative way (I spent about 2 weeks there), but despite that negative place I still decided I was going to do things differently. Instead of sitting in bed with comfort food, watching romantic movies and crying to myself, this time, I decided I was going to do whatever it takes to love myself through my pain and pay attention to myself, pushing myself to make healthy choices for myself.

So, I made an appointment with a therapist, went to the gym and got a trainer who also turned out to be a life coach and is now my life coach, cried to a couple of key friends, stopped watching tv all together for the time I was in that head space, changed my diet completely (stopped eating sugar and carbs), decided to use my creativity as an outlet for my feelings (I drew and wrote), and kept telling myself over and over that enough was enough and I would not give up on myself.

After about 2 weeks, I started to feel things coming alive in me. I was coming alive, I was starting to feel free and get my voice back (the strong, intelligent voice that stands up for me, not puts me down). I stopped crying to my friends, I even stopped crying to my life coach and therapist. I started speaking from less of a victim place inside myself and started to own myself more and more. My body started to change, I felt lighter, brighter, and more beautiful. I started talking to the parts of my body I hadn't liked, and told them I loved them but that I was ready to release them. I was being loving to myself, truly loving and I meant it!

So, here I sit 6 weeks later feeling transformed by all the steps I have taken to take care of myself. To love myself. I have a very different view on life. I love myself in a completely different way, and I am only excited about how that will continue to grow. I have amazing physical results too. I have released 22 pounds. I have lost 1/4 inch on my neck, 5 inches off my chest, 1 1/2 inches off my bicep, 1/2 inch off my forearm, 6 1/2 inches off my waist, 5 1/2 inches off my hips, 1 1/2 inches off my upper thigh, and 1/2 inch off my calf.

Thought I would share my successes since I am proud of myself for making the shifts. I now think that the hardest times in our lives can be the biggest gifts, but it is a choice to make the changes we need to make or continue to see ourselves as victims. The outcome and the choice is always ours.

With love,
Melissa

My Forecast

Dealing with wanting to be thin and healthy overnight but knowing that isn't a possibility is messing with my emotions. I have been eating and exercising for 3 weeks consistently and doing really well with all of that. 95% of the last 3 weeks I have consumed under 1200 calories. I have been going to my trainer and coach for the last 3 weeks as well (3 days a week and 2 additional days on my own). I have also gone to my new Therapist who specializes in eating disorders for the last 3 weeks.

I feel great about all the things I am doing for myself. I feel better about myself and I know it will only get better. It's just that sometimes, like today, it's been a little bit more difficult. I didn't do well eating today. I only ate 650 calories. I skipped breakfast and forced myself to eat lunch and dinner. The funny thing about that is that my normal behavior is to overeat, not under eat. My mindset has really changed in these last 3 weeks. I am grateful for that beyond belief.

One of the things that has really helped has been exploring my creativity. I have been drawing and writing poetry and songs. I have been looking into starting dance classes, stained glass classes, voice lessons, production classes, etc. I am excited about diving even deeper into my creativity and finding new and fun outlets.

I started writing this blog yesterday and didn't finish it. The above paragraphs were from yesterday. I think the saying, "what a difference a day makes" is true, and I always need to remember that. Today, I feel great. Today, I know I can do anything. I wasn't depressed yesterday, trust me, I know depression. It wasn't that. It was dealing with the instant gratification fixation. Wanting results immediately. A tantrum like a 2 year old. I want what I want and I want it now.

So, here I am, I am going to be true to myself and my journey because every day is important and every day is part of my journey. The light days, the dark days and every shade in between.

A Wild Goddess? Me? Wild? A Goddess? Me? Wait… Me?

Am I wild? I live a very tame life compared to others. I get up between 4:30 am – 5:30am each morning, shower, dress, head to work for a 10-12-hour day, head home to make dinner, walk my sweet dog Scout, go to the gym, come home, bathe, and go to sleep. Nothing about that sounds wild to me.
The dictionary describes “Wild” as uncontrolled or unrestrained, especially in the pursuit of pleasure. I definitely don’t feel that I am wild based on that definition.
A Goddess… Even harder to identify myself as a Goddess. The dictionary gives the definition of A Goddess as a female deity; A woman who is adored, especially for her beauty. Well… hmmm… I have never thought of myself or ever really been told I was any great beauty. So according to those two definitions I wouldn’t really think of myself as A Wild Goddess.
But then comes the question…
What if I did? What if I suspended my reality of myself and embraced myself as a Wild Goddess? What would that look like? How would I act? What would I be doing differently in my life?
With one step into the unknown I made myself a list, envisioning what I would do as a Wild Goddess.
If I was a Wild Goddess I would:
1. I would do crazy unexpected things.

2. I would do things that made me feel free.

3. I would do my hair and makeup and do my best to feel and own my beauty.

4. I would dance and move my body in a sexual way.

5. I would do whatever I want to when I want to.

Then I decided to live one day completely embracing myself as a Wild Goddess. I can do anything for a day! This is what came from that day. I thought it would be a step by step list of what I did, instead it was a different kind of list entirely. Nothing like the original list I created.
1. I embraced life and all it offers me fully. With a deep knowing inside myself that life happens for me, not to me. I stopped all victim self-talk.

2. My attitude about my life and life in general changed drastically. I adopted an attitude of, “I got this”, “I’ll figure it out”, and “I can do anything”.

3. Everything I do, say, think and feel is to nourish myself. If I falter and make a decision that isn’t in my best interest, I am kind to myself and I pick myself up, forgive myself and start again.

4. I looked at the light and the dark sides of myself and realized I need to embrace both to truly grow, so being the Wild Goddess that I am, I dove in.

5. I realized that in order to be more present with others, I must first be present with myself.

6. I was me, in all my beauty, in all my messiness, in everything, I was me.

Being a Wild Goddess isn’t something I need to do or an image I need to portray. It’s a place inside myself where I feel connected and whole. Where I freely give myself to my inner knowing and give myself permission to express that outwardly. I embrace all of me. The light and the dark and all the places yet to be explored. I have stopped comparing my life to others and from the place of owning my Wild Goddess, I instead ask myself the constant questions, “how would I act, feel, think, talk, share, find adventure, live wholly and completely as a Wild Goddess. So yes, I embrace that I am a Wild Goddess. I am a woman who is uncontrolled and unrestrained in my pursuit of pleasure & I am a woman who is adored, especially for my beauty (in all forms) by the most important person, myself.

Look Up, Look Within & Create Your Life

Sometimes, I get fixated on the minutia of my life. It can be difficult to see what is truly important. I get caught up in what she said, or what she did, or why someone did something. A relationship ends and the heartache that goes along with that. Family fighting over things they know nothing about. The desire to detach and leave the world and all its issues behind, numbing myself by watching TV and eating food that doesn't nourish my soul.

But then, like a glorious butterfly that has decided to land in your path or the hummingbird that stops just outside your window, seeming to stare at you and tell you... there is more. There is always more beauty. You just have to stop, look up from whatever has your attention and see the beauty in the world. Not just the devastation, anger, and darkness in the world but really take the time to see the beauty, light and love in the world. I have come to the realization that I create from all of these spaces. I do not just create from one extreme. I need the moments of darkness to make me appreciate the moments of lightness. I need it all. So does the world. There is not good and evil and they are polar opposites. There is good and evil and they balance each other. There is no right and wrong. There is only what is, and what is in that moment is a choice of which we will choose. Not struggle against. Just choose. And when others are not choosing what we perceive in right, we are not giving them the opportunity to find their place and their voice in the world.

I am constantly getting the opportunity, as are we all, to grow, to make choices for how I want to show up in my life. Sometimes those choices are not the best for me, and other times they are great choices for myself. I have come to realize that I need both. There is no such thing as a perfect person that makes perfect choices for themselves all the time. I am a truly warm, loving person who wants to share and express that warmth and love. I can also be cold in contrast to my warmth. This is when I am fixated on the minutia. This I know about myself now, and I also know those times are needed for my contrast and to feed by creativity as well.

This is all coming together for me, thank you for listening to my journey and coming along for the ride.

My True Power

True Power is feeling and knowing who you are.
True Power is being of service, even if you don't feel like you have all the answers.
True Power is being able to pick yourself up on your dark days as much as it is being joy-filled on your light days.
True Power is being vulnerable and working through your fears.
True Power is sharing who you are authentically with yourself and others.
True Power is standing up for yourself even and especially when it's really difficult.
True Power is listening to your voice and not caring about how others view you.
True Power is exploring your interests, likes and going on your own adventures in life.
True Power is fully owning who you are... the light and the dark.

I truly need to take better care of myself. My health, my creativity, my relationships, my environment, my finances, my passions, etc. While my approach to life has gotten me where I am which has worked in many ways, it isn't working to the extent that I want it to. It's time to switch it up and really change my approach to my life. I am going to challenge myself for the next 30 days. I can do anything for 30 days. These are the things I am going to do for the next 30 days:

My Body/Health

I have a loving and nurturing relationship with my body. I eat food that is nourishing my body. I have fun cooking and finding new healthy recipes to make. I drink at least 8 glasses of water a day and I drink my vitamins every day too. I currently exercise 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes a day. Scout and I go on a daily 15 minute walk together. I find new ways to exercise that excite me like dancing, paddle boarding, hiking, etc.

My Creativity

I write every day. I am gentle and open with myself and my writing process. I read every day. I listen to writing podcasts a couple of times a week. I have set up a beautiful writing space for myself in my home. I paint or draw at least one time a week. I take myself on artist dates to museums, movies, the beach, the mountains, and any other place that strikes my fancy twice a month. I share my writing with my writing groups and friends. I explore all aspects of my creativity and I share my passion and enthusiasm for exploring creativity with others. I free myself of the pressure to be something or to have my creativity to mean something. I have the time that I need to experiment and grow in my creativity. I am a writer. I give myself permission to know that I am a writer. I have started my podcast by the end of 2016. I have given my first creativity workshop by the end of 2016 as well.

My Environment

My home is cozy, clean and organized. It is a place I love being and I love creating in my home. My car is clean and fun to be in. I take my car on adventures and I love to travel in my car. Traveling is something I do often. I love adventures and go on an adventure at least once a month. Whether it is a big trip out of the country or to another state or a small road trip for the day, I am going on an adventure at least once a month. My desk at work is clean, clear and organized.

My Spirituality

I mediate daily. I keep a daily gratitude journal. I speak with God each day and listen with my heart open. I read books that help me expand my consciousness and grow. I spend time in nature. I let go and open my heart to God every day. I do not expect that I know better than Gods plan for me.


My Relationships

I have authentic, real and honest relationships with my family, friends, and intimate relationships. I am in service to the highest good of those I love and share my thoughts and feelings openly and lovingly. My spend time with my friends after work and on the weekends doing fun things that we like to do together. I am my own very best friend always.

Today is the Day.. Time to Move

I am deciding that today is the day to start my regular exercise regime. I am putting it on my blog to hold myself to it. I am starting with a commitment of 3 days a week for the first month. I am exercising a minimum of 30 minutes each time. My weeks will go Saturday to Friday since today is Saturday and I am starting today. I have been having some stomach issues this last week so I don't feel like starting this, but it's time. I have to get serious. I am ready to continue to lose more weight. I have lost 85 pounds in the last year, now it's time to lose more. I have a goal of another 75 pounds this year. I can do it. Cleaning up my eating again and regular exercising, I know I can get back on track again.

This is my commitment to myself. I need to do this for myself. I know I can. It's time.

There have been a series of things happening in my life that have reminded me that I need to focus on what is important to me. I have gotten a bit stuck. I have let my focus be on other people or my job again and has become a distraction from what I really need to be focused on... Time to pull back and focus on the things that are really important to me and will help me and my depression. It's time. I will write a weekly blog post for myself to keep myself accountable.

A Billion Stars

Bring on the rolling hills and mountains to hike, green trees, fresh wind blowing through my hair, and beautiful open skies where I can see a billion stars. Bring on the land to work with my hands, good friends to share my life with, and laughter that hurts your belly. Bring on the pain that makes you grow, people that make you think and question, and the moments when the peace is overwhelming it makes you cry.